WISDOM FOR DADS FROM THE BARBERSHOP

I teach classes on parenting and relationships here in Mon. County and I hear this statement very often from fathers, “they don’t have a manual that comes with your child when they are born on how to be a parent”. There still isn’t a manual that directly fits your particular situation, but there are some safe havens for fathers to discuss parenting. Barbershops are safe havens where men gather to get a haircut and talk about life’s events. As I have spent many a day in the barber shop; even though I’m a bald man, I’ve picked up a few tips. They are simple and straightforward.

·        Spend time with your children. Each moment can create positive memories.

·        Always keep your promises. It builds and maintains trust with your children.

·        Celebrate and praise your children’s accomplishments. It will increase their confidence and encourage them to keep trying.

·        Tell both your sons and daughters that you love them. Not just for what they do. But for whom they are.

Spend time…Sometimes as parents we don’t realize how important spending time with our children is. Little moments mean a lot. My father was a Respiratory Therapist for 30 years. I used to see him off at the front door when he was going to a conference, which happened often. At eight years of age Daddy always let me play with his equipment and discuss what each piece was used for. After kissing my mother he would say to me, “You got things here. You are the little man of the house.” Looking back on it now I realize that Daddy did not consider me to be a man. But for that brief period in time he taught me about what a man is supposed to do to keep his family safe. Those words have stayed with me for a lifetime and resonate even more now that he has left this world on April 23rd, 2013.

Keep your promises…One of the first things that fathers can teach their child is how to trust. An infant develops trust when his cries are met with a clean diaper, a bottle or by holding him securely in her father’s arms. Children thrive on consistency. Continue to be there for them to meet their needs. Keeping your promises completes the bridge between the development of trust to a child with integrity.

Praise your child for their accomplishments. If you tell her she is smart, pretty, good, kind and trustworthy, they will believe it themselves. Why? Because Daddy said so and daddy doesn’t lie! It will give them the courage to persevere when life throws them a curve.

Always tell your sons and daughters that you love them. A father’s demonstration of love for his daughter will keep them from looking for love in all the wrong places when they get older.  Dads, please remember this. Showing your son affection and telling him you love him will not make him soft. If anything it makes him a strong Mountaineer willing to be vulnerable, yet strong, because he can!

There really isn’t a manual that comes with the birth of your child. But, the Fatherhood Buzz Tips for Fathers helps to lay the foundation… and your time, promises, praise and love are the building blocks for their future. Parenting is challenging to navigate at times, but we are here to serve as a resource here at the Extension office.  Call us if there are questions that we can help you with.            

Relationships are They Divided by Percentage? The 50/50 Myth…

I've been married for 11 years now, and learned a few things along the way.  I also have acquired a few skills and experiences as a therapist. Hopefully, I can share these jewels with you to support your growth in your current relationships.  As I’m teaching relationship education to various groups I have heard this common thought; that all relationships should be 50/50. How is this the basis of a good relationship?

If I’m in a relationship and they are giving a 50 percent effort in that relationship, then we are going to have complications.  We are going to have difficulties because there is a “calculated giving” to our relationship that’s a half effort.  When has giving a half-effort for anything been a worthwhile? I cannot think of anytime when half-efforts work to enhance any relationship I have had or currently am having.

Taking my experiences into account, I believe that in healthy and evolving relationships all parties have to give 100 percent.  To some that may sound very difficult, so I will clarify my meaning.  In a healthy and evolving relationship if both parties are giving 100 percent, they recognize one another’s skills, & abilities, and appreciate the person they are in that relationship with. To say this in a different way, I have to have expectations that are in line with reality.  It would be a fruitless endeavor to expect my wife to give a 50 percent effort in raising our children.  To some, giving 50/ 50 actually means, “Meet me in the middle” but what is the middle?

I pose these questions and share this insight to get you, the readers to think about giving 100 percent in your relationships. I have found that when I go all out consistently, have my expectations in line with reality, set healthy boundaries and communicate in a manner that I can be heard, it’s seen as a demonstration of Self- Interest.  Self-Interest simply means I will give you my best effort and that’s 100 percent, because you deserve the best me and I deserve the best you. The poem “Gestalt Prayer” by Fritz Perls says it best:”I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations. And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I. And if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful, If not, it can't be helped”.

 WISDOM for  MEN: Be You    

Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.

~Elbert Hubbard

I went to a 4^th of July party a few weeks ago and ran into a new friend named Mike Lowery.  He happens to reads the articles I submit to the newspaper.  We talked awhile about the topics that stood out to him; along with various guy topics that come up while standing in front of the beverage truck.  It was an unexpected and interesting conversation. 

Something of interest that stood out to me was that last year at this same party my friend was performing a mean “air guitar” and every once in a while he would shout, “HOW BOUT THOSE EERSSSSS!” I asked why the change in his party styling’s.  He shared with me that change is inevitable.   It’s not a matter of giving up or being too old; it’s about enjoying change and making room for others.   

What he was talking about was gaining wisdom.

It can be challenging to define Wisdom, but most people know it when they see it expressed. The guy that plants his garden at the right time of the year, the guy that reads to his kids or grandkids even when he is tired and even the guy that supports his wife without saying word, because he knows what would be helpful for their relationship and not just his ego. These in the know people, believe wisdom involves a combination of knowledge, experience, and deep understanding that there is no such thing as fair and things can go in a direction that was not planned at any time.  There's an awareness of idea of fairness and its complexities, and it grants a sense of personal balance.

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.

~Tom Wilson

Being a man of mountaineer wisdom is complex yet simple to understand and then act on. I thought I would share my interpretation of Mike Lowey’s insight on being a Mountaineer man of Wisdom.  I compiled a simple list of Wise Mountaineer Men Understandings; also known as WMMUs to help the good men of Monongalia County. Thanks Mike Lowery for your help.

• ·         Knowing your limits doesn’t make your weak, knowing is a strength
• ·         Just because you have another way of doing something doesn’t mean your way is right,  good leaders sometimes follow
• ·         40 is not the new 30, nor is 30 the new 20. Face it, you’re older
• ·         Just because you can do it doesn’t mean you should
• ·         Beside every strong man is a strong partner
• ·         You are defined by your occupation, you define you
• ·         Winning a battle doesn’t win the war.  Especially when the goal should be peace
• ·         Constructive criticism is not the same as giving advice
• ·         The secure guy is the one that doesn’t need to fight, for the insecure guy life is a fight
• ·         Being venerable is a strength and girls like it.
• ·         Setting boundaries with a person is not the same as disrespecting them
• ·         Having power struggles with people means you not understand personal power

I hope this has been helpful.