Relationships are They Divided by Percentage? The 50/50 Myth…

I've been married for 11 years now, and learned a few things along the way.  I also have acquired a few skills and experiences as a therapist. Hopefully, I can share these jewels with you to support your growth in your current relationships.  As I’m teaching relationship education to various groups I have heard this common thought; that all relationships should be 50/50. How is this the basis of a good relationship?

If I’m in a relationship and they are giving a 50 percent effort in that relationship, then we are going to have complications.  We are going to have difficulties because there is a “calculated giving” to our relationship that’s a half effort.  When has giving a half-effort for anything been a worthwhile? I cannot think of anytime when half-efforts work to enhance any relationship I have had or currently am having.

Taking my experiences into account, I believe that in healthy and evolving relationships all parties have to give 100 percent.  To some that may sound very difficult, so I will clarify my meaning.  In a healthy and evolving relationship if both parties are giving 100 percent, they recognize one another’s skills, & abilities, and appreciate the person they are in that relationship with. To say this in a different way, I have to have expectations that are in line with reality.  It would be a fruitless endeavor to expect my wife to give a 50 percent effort in raising our children.  To some, giving 50/ 50 actually means, “Meet me in the middle” but what is the middle?

I pose these questions and share this insight to get you, the readers to think about giving 100 percent in your relationships. I have found that when I go all out consistently, have my expectations in line with reality, set healthy boundaries and communicate in a manner that I can be heard, it’s seen as a demonstration of Self- Interest.  Self-Interest simply means I will give you my best effort and that’s 100 percent, because you deserve the best me and I deserve the best you. The poem “Gestalt Prayer” by Fritz Perls says it best:”I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations. And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I. And if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful, If not, it can't be helped”.