THE IN-LAWS ARE HERE SO NOW WHAT?

My In-Laws live in Montana and when they come to vacation they usually stay for and extended visit.  Extended visit means that they stay for at least a week or more then they leave to go see my sister-in-law in Virginia and come back and stay an additional week.  This amount of time with your In-Laws can lead to a minimum degree of frustration. Ok, it can and does often lead to a maximum degree of frustration. 

There are a few things that might change when our In-Laws stay and they might resemble the things that change for you too.  Firstly, it seems as though my opinion doesn’t matter as much when they are visiting. Secondly, the things that are set routine may change, such as dinner times and wake up time and bed time and lastly, you may be told that you need many more personal improvements! 

I have learned from my history with my In-Laws and I think I have some useful tips that could help you with In-Laws or visiting elders:

In-Laws are Elders and deserve respect

When parents get to a certain age they will either want to share or become stagnant. This phenomenon is a development stage that we will all encounter.  To realize you will be at this crossroads someday may help you to respect the journey that got them to where they are. “Dad, why don’t you sit at the head table with us, just know that I’m not going to sit at the kids table.”

Set limitations.

You and your partner have to decide what the limitations are.  Its best that boundaries are mutually agreed on, if not it can develop into a power struggle and loyalty conflicts. “Dad, I love it that you want to help us while you are here but, I’d prefer to wash my own underwear, Thanks though.”

Opinions are not the truth.

It is helpful to remember that In-Laws usually want to share their experiences with you and provide “their version of wisdom.”  You have a choice about what you do with it.  Fight, disagree or appreciate their willingness to share.  Remember it’s not really about you, it’s “their” opinion. “Mom, so when you and Dad were young parents you reused bacon lard, that’s interesting but, we may not do that, it gives me gas, thanks though.”

Remember that family bonds are to be respected but it does not nullify your importance

It is helpful to appreciate the bond that your partner has with their family members.  The importance of that family relationship doesn't negate your importance. What you are dealing with while they are visiting is “situational”.  “This too shall pass”.  ”Honey, it’s cool if you and your mom go get your nails done have a good time together”. “Babe, because your dad has restless leg syndrome I’ll take the kids to a movie, why don’t you take your parents to dinner tonight, spend some time with them, love you and I’ll see you later.”

If you use these tips when needed you may experience a more enjoyable time with your In-laws.  These tips help you to change your perspective and realize that is the only thing you can do.  I have never been able to change others but, I can change how I view them.