Toxic People: Who are they and how do I get rid of them

While at my last dentist we were sharing ways that we live our lives and maintain levels of happiness.  She (my dentist) shared with me that there was a question that she has been pondering.  The question was how do we identify toxic people in our lives and how do you get them out of your lives.  I shared with her that I’m not an expert but I have done psychotherapy for a few years and I have some insight that I could share. But, there is a key preparatory action that you have to do in order to recognize those who are toxic in your life.  That action is that you have to get into your Sheldon (Big Bang Theory) or Spock (Star Trek) state of mind.  This just means you have to logically balance objective data, subjective interpretation and recognize the types of toxic people in your life. In other words, you have to be in your (Adult) to see them.   Here are the different types I’ll describe them.

The Needy Letdown (Dependent Child):  This person is smart, well balanced and has a good personality. Unfortunately, this person can siphon the life out of you every time they say that they need something or ask you for something. Why won't they get it themselves? Well, chances are that they've quit their job or quit school and/or can't get a job (again). They will milk a major situation for all it's worth. They will milk a minor situation for all it's worth.  If you go to them with your problems, they will make you feel like you're a burden. They might even tell you something that you already knew, “they’re irresponsible, so why would you come to them”.

The Victim (Hurt Child): Everything is about them and there is always something wrong happening to them. This person is a perpetually powerless and will even go so far as to say that anything bad that has happened to you is not nearly bad as what's happened to them. If you get into a car accident this person will bring the entire situation around to when they were young and were traumatized when they got hit in the head with a Matchbox car by their little brother. This person makes mountains out of molehills if they get a scratch and will tell everyone in the neighborhood about it.

The Guilt Trip Expert (Rescuing Parent): They will offer help even when you don't ask for it. However, this person will complain about how hard it was for them to get it and make you feel guilty about the entire situation, even when you didn't ask for it! If money's the case, this person will give it to you and then tell others about the financial challenges they’re having because of having to bail you out you.

The Person with No Soul (Critical Parent): This person has a perpetual entitlement issue and you can comply with their demands, but it's never enough for them. This person is all four types of toxic people combined (all powerful). They will point out your faults and everyone else's faults and bring up something that they had to do that was difficult at the time so they can end up getting something that they wanted. When you're at your lowest point, they won't be around or they won't want to "deal" with you unless they want something. This person is Ike and you are their Tina!

Now that you know the types of toxic people that are maybe in your life, what do you do? You may not want to cut them off. That's understandable, but you have to understand that these people are dangerous to your mental health and your physical health as well. These people can stress you out to the point of depression, heart attacks or strokes. So, what can you do?

Cut them off (set a boundary): This is not the same as cutting them out of your life. All you're doing is getting rid of any kind of ammunition that they can use against you. If someone asks you for something, tell them no or that you simply don't have it. If someone offers you something, get yourself in the position where you can say "Thanks, but no thanks." That way, there is nobody that can take advantage of you or make you feel guilty.

Let’em know (make I statements with expectations in line with reality): Even if this is a long, lengthy and tearful conversation, tell the toxic person in your life how they treat you and how you normally wouldn't tolerate this kind of treatment from just anybody. Call them out on what they're doing and really get your point across. You need realize that you may want to get it but remember who you’re talking to they will be them, this is about you setting a boundary. And if none of these options work and all else fails...

Clean House:  This does not mean clean up your house. This means that it's time to cut the person out of your life for good. You've given them chance after chance, and you've done everything possible, but it didn't work. So, it's time to let that person go. You can do this in a letter or to the person's face, but do it. All hopes for that person to change are gone, so there is no reason to try anymore. They still might try to make it all about them and make you feel bad about cutting them out, but you just have to let the feeling pass. You did what was best for you and you'll end up happier.  Remember what R & B singer Mary J. Blige sang, “You can do bad all by yourself”.  If you recall, when Tina got rid of Ike…..you know the rest.

Here at the Extension office we do programming around the issues of family and relationship wellness.  We have a variety of programs that support relationship wellness and health of the family.  Call us and we can provide you with the resources you need.