THE HEALTH OF MY RELATIONSHIP STARTS WITH ME

I had a crazy weekend of ripping and running to my children events and home upkeep activities. We had soccer, birthday parties, play dates, not mention pulling those weeds from our flower gardens and our numerous visits to Lowes!  As parents we are typically busy doing for our children and home, therefore, we often forget about the importance of our own relationships. 

At times I think, “How did we get here?”  “When did you become my roommate?”  You can easily begin to think that change is impossible, because when is there time to change all that’s wrong with your relationship.  I’m here to tell you that the time is now!!!!

This summer is a great time to step back and reflect on what is working in our relationships and what obstacles are in the way of relationship improvement. If that feels like a lot of work, know that small, simple steps can make a big difference in the relationships you cherish.

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”
― Ernest Hemingway

There is one thing that I have found in my 11 years of marriage, being a health educator and relationship therapist, that thing is I have to look at me first.  Any change starts with my elimination of Blame on others.  You are a part of the relationship that you want to improve on, so if want change, it starts with you.  Here are a few tips for change in your relationship that start with you.

1.      Trust yourself first– I hear from a lot of people that say that their number one issue is trust in others and especially in their partner.  When I objectively engage in conversation about this Trust issue I have found that the issue is not trust in others its trust in themselves.  Trust that you are making a positive choice and if it doesn't go as well as you thought, revise your plan. Remember, you have to have an objective perspective on your partner.  If they have proven that they do not think they can change, then trust that will be who they think they are and not who you want them to be.

2.     Always Think of 'We' - Too many people in relationships think about 'me' and not 'we'. A relationship is made up of two people. Make sure you make decisions that are healthy for both of you and your relationship will automatically become a better one.

3.     Put away the tech - Research shows that the presence of a cell phone during a face-to-face conversation, even if it is never touched, reduces people’s satisfaction with the conversation. It is impossible to have intimate dialogue with your partner and check friend’s status updates.

4.     Talk in Your partner’s language of love – Dr. Gary Chapman has written several books that address speaking to loved ones in their language of love.  He shares that when we speak in our partners language of love there is an increase in their feeling of connection with their partner. Those love languages are acts of service, touch, affirmations, gifts and quality time.

5.     Share the Idea of Power - When you are not willing to share power with your relationship partner, John Gottman’s research indicates there is an 81% chance that your relationship will self-destruct. While hoarding power may have got you ahead in your career and even in leading your child’s soccer team, this strategy will backfire in your relationship because your partner will end up feeling like their opinions aren't valuable. Attempt to develop a more appreciative attitude toward compromise. Practice by giving in on issues you don’t feel extremely invested in.