THE IN-LAWS ARE HERE SO NOW WHAT?

My In-Laws live in Montana and when they come to vacation they usually stay for and extended visit.  Extended visit means that they stay for at least a week or more then they leave to go see my sister-in-law in Virginia and come back and stay an additional week.  This amount of time with your In-Laws can lead to a minimum degree of frustration. Ok, it can and does often lead to a maximum degree of frustration. 

There are a few things that might change when our In-Laws stay and they might resemble the things that change for you too.  Firstly, it seems as though my opinion doesn’t matter as much when they are visiting. Secondly, the things that are set routine may change, such as dinner times and wake up time and bed time and lastly, you may be told that you need many more personal improvements! 

I have learned from my history with my In-Laws and I think I have some useful tips that could help you with In-Laws or visiting elders:

In-Laws are Elders and deserve respect

When parents get to a certain age they will either want to share or become stagnant. This phenomenon is a development stage that we will all encounter.  To realize you will be at this crossroads someday may help you to respect the journey that got them to where they are. “Dad, why don’t you sit at the head table with us, just know that I’m not going to sit at the kids table.”

Set limitations.

You and your partner have to decide what the limitations are.  Its best that boundaries are mutually agreed on, if not it can develop into a power struggle and loyalty conflicts. “Dad, I love it that you want to help us while you are here but, I’d prefer to wash my own underwear, Thanks though.”

Opinions are not the truth.

It is helpful to remember that In-Laws usually want to share their experiences with you and provide “their version of wisdom.”  You have a choice about what you do with it.  Fight, disagree or appreciate their willingness to share.  Remember it’s not really about you, it’s “their” opinion. “Mom, so when you and Dad were young parents you reused bacon lard, that’s interesting but, we may not do that, it gives me gas, thanks though.”

Remember that family bonds are to be respected but it does not nullify your importance

It is helpful to appreciate the bond that your partner has with their family members.  The importance of that family relationship doesn't negate your importance. What you are dealing with while they are visiting is “situational”.  “This too shall pass”.  ”Honey, it’s cool if you and your mom go get your nails done have a good time together”. “Babe, because your dad has restless leg syndrome I’ll take the kids to a movie, why don’t you take your parents to dinner tonight, spend some time with them, love you and I’ll see you later.”

If you use these tips when needed you may experience a more enjoyable time with your In-laws.  These tips help you to change your perspective and realize that is the only thing you can do.  I have never been able to change others but, I can change how I view them. 

Toxic People: Who are they and how do I get rid of them

While at my last dentist we were sharing ways that we live our lives and maintain levels of happiness.  She (my dentist) shared with me that there was a question that she has been pondering.  The question was how do we identify toxic people in our lives and how do you get them out of your lives.  I shared with her that I’m not an expert but I have done psychotherapy for a few years and I have some insight that I could share. But, there is a key preparatory action that you have to do in order to recognize those who are toxic in your life.  That action is that you have to get into your Sheldon (Big Bang Theory) or Spock (Star Trek) state of mind.  This just means you have to logically balance objective data, subjective interpretation and recognize the types of toxic people in your life. In other words, you have to be in your (Adult) to see them.   Here are the different types I’ll describe them.

The Needy Letdown (Dependent Child):  This person is smart, well balanced and has a good personality. Unfortunately, this person can siphon the life out of you every time they say that they need something or ask you for something. Why won't they get it themselves? Well, chances are that they've quit their job or quit school and/or can't get a job (again). They will milk a major situation for all it's worth. They will milk a minor situation for all it's worth.  If you go to them with your problems, they will make you feel like you're a burden. They might even tell you something that you already knew, “they’re irresponsible, so why would you come to them”.

The Victim (Hurt Child): Everything is about them and there is always something wrong happening to them. This person is a perpetually powerless and will even go so far as to say that anything bad that has happened to you is not nearly bad as what's happened to them. If you get into a car accident this person will bring the entire situation around to when they were young and were traumatized when they got hit in the head with a Matchbox car by their little brother. This person makes mountains out of molehills if they get a scratch and will tell everyone in the neighborhood about it.

The Guilt Trip Expert (Rescuing Parent): They will offer help even when you don't ask for it. However, this person will complain about how hard it was for them to get it and make you feel guilty about the entire situation, even when you didn't ask for it! If money's the case, this person will give it to you and then tell others about the financial challenges they’re having because of having to bail you out you.

The Person with No Soul (Critical Parent): This person has a perpetual entitlement issue and you can comply with their demands, but it's never enough for them. This person is all four types of toxic people combined (all powerful). They will point out your faults and everyone else's faults and bring up something that they had to do that was difficult at the time so they can end up getting something that they wanted. When you're at your lowest point, they won't be around or they won't want to "deal" with you unless they want something. This person is Ike and you are their Tina!

Now that you know the types of toxic people that are maybe in your life, what do you do? You may not want to cut them off. That's understandable, but you have to understand that these people are dangerous to your mental health and your physical health as well. These people can stress you out to the point of depression, heart attacks or strokes. So, what can you do?

Cut them off (set a boundary): This is not the same as cutting them out of your life. All you're doing is getting rid of any kind of ammunition that they can use against you. If someone asks you for something, tell them no or that you simply don't have it. If someone offers you something, get yourself in the position where you can say "Thanks, but no thanks." That way, there is nobody that can take advantage of you or make you feel guilty.

Let’em know (make I statements with expectations in line with reality): Even if this is a long, lengthy and tearful conversation, tell the toxic person in your life how they treat you and how you normally wouldn't tolerate this kind of treatment from just anybody. Call them out on what they're doing and really get your point across. You need realize that you may want to get it but remember who you’re talking to they will be them, this is about you setting a boundary. And if none of these options work and all else fails...

Clean House:  This does not mean clean up your house. This means that it's time to cut the person out of your life for good. You've given them chance after chance, and you've done everything possible, but it didn't work. So, it's time to let that person go. You can do this in a letter or to the person's face, but do it. All hopes for that person to change are gone, so there is no reason to try anymore. They still might try to make it all about them and make you feel bad about cutting them out, but you just have to let the feeling pass. You did what was best for you and you'll end up happier.  Remember what R & B singer Mary J. Blige sang, “You can do bad all by yourself”.  If you recall, when Tina got rid of Ike…..you know the rest.

Here at the Extension office we do programming around the issues of family and relationship wellness.  We have a variety of programs that support relationship wellness and health of the family.  Call us and we can provide you with the resources you need.

THE HEALTH OF MY RELATIONSHIP STARTS WITH ME

I had a crazy weekend of ripping and running to my children events and home upkeep activities. We had soccer, birthday parties, play dates, not mention pulling those weeds from our flower gardens and our numerous visits to Lowes!  As parents we are typically busy doing for our children and home, therefore, we often forget about the importance of our own relationships. 

At times I think, “How did we get here?”  “When did you become my roommate?”  You can easily begin to think that change is impossible, because when is there time to change all that’s wrong with your relationship.  I’m here to tell you that the time is now!!!!

This summer is a great time to step back and reflect on what is working in our relationships and what obstacles are in the way of relationship improvement. If that feels like a lot of work, know that small, simple steps can make a big difference in the relationships you cherish.

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”
― Ernest Hemingway

There is one thing that I have found in my 11 years of marriage, being a health educator and relationship therapist, that thing is I have to look at me first.  Any change starts with my elimination of Blame on others.  You are a part of the relationship that you want to improve on, so if want change, it starts with you.  Here are a few tips for change in your relationship that start with you.

1.      Trust yourself first– I hear from a lot of people that say that their number one issue is trust in others and especially in their partner.  When I objectively engage in conversation about this Trust issue I have found that the issue is not trust in others its trust in themselves.  Trust that you are making a positive choice and if it doesn't go as well as you thought, revise your plan. Remember, you have to have an objective perspective on your partner.  If they have proven that they do not think they can change, then trust that will be who they think they are and not who you want them to be.

2.     Always Think of 'We' - Too many people in relationships think about 'me' and not 'we'. A relationship is made up of two people. Make sure you make decisions that are healthy for both of you and your relationship will automatically become a better one.

3.     Put away the tech - Research shows that the presence of a cell phone during a face-to-face conversation, even if it is never touched, reduces people’s satisfaction with the conversation. It is impossible to have intimate dialogue with your partner and check friend’s status updates.

4.     Talk in Your partner’s language of love – Dr. Gary Chapman has written several books that address speaking to loved ones in their language of love.  He shares that when we speak in our partners language of love there is an increase in their feeling of connection with their partner. Those love languages are acts of service, touch, affirmations, gifts and quality time.

5.     Share the Idea of Power - When you are not willing to share power with your relationship partner, John Gottman’s research indicates there is an 81% chance that your relationship will self-destruct. While hoarding power may have got you ahead in your career and even in leading your child’s soccer team, this strategy will backfire in your relationship because your partner will end up feeling like their opinions aren't valuable. Attempt to develop a more appreciative attitude toward compromise. Practice by giving in on issues you don’t feel extremely invested in.

WISDOM FOR DADS FROM THE BARBERSHOP

I teach classes on parenting and relationships here in Mon. County and I hear this statement very often from fathers, “they don’t have a manual that comes with your child when they are born on how to be a parent”. There still isn’t a manual that directly fits your particular situation, but there are some safe havens for fathers to discuss parenting. Barbershops are safe havens where men gather to get a haircut and talk about life’s events. As I have spent many a day in the barber shop; even though I’m a bald man, I’ve picked up a few tips. They are simple and straightforward.

·        Spend time with your children. Each moment can create positive memories.

·        Always keep your promises. It builds and maintains trust with your children.

·        Celebrate and praise your children’s accomplishments. It will increase their confidence and encourage them to keep trying.

·        Tell both your sons and daughters that you love them. Not just for what they do. But for whom they are.

Spend time…Sometimes as parents we don’t realize how important spending time with our children is. Little moments mean a lot. My father was a Respiratory Therapist for 30 years. I used to see him off at the front door when he was going to a conference, which happened often. At eight years of age Daddy always let me play with his equipment and discuss what each piece was used for. After kissing my mother he would say to me, “You got things here. You are the little man of the house.” Looking back on it now I realize that Daddy did not consider me to be a man. But for that brief period in time he taught me about what a man is supposed to do to keep his family safe. Those words have stayed with me for a lifetime and resonate even more now that he has left this world on April 23rd, 2013.

Keep your promises…One of the first things that fathers can teach their child is how to trust. An infant develops trust when his cries are met with a clean diaper, a bottle or by holding him securely in her father’s arms. Children thrive on consistency. Continue to be there for them to meet their needs. Keeping your promises completes the bridge between the development of trust to a child with integrity.

Praise your child for their accomplishments. If you tell her she is smart, pretty, good, kind and trustworthy, they will believe it themselves. Why? Because Daddy said so and daddy doesn’t lie! It will give them the courage to persevere when life throws them a curve.

Always tell your sons and daughters that you love them. A father’s demonstration of love for his daughter will keep them from looking for love in all the wrong places when they get older.  Dads, please remember this. Showing your son affection and telling him you love him will not make him soft. If anything it makes him a strong Mountaineer willing to be vulnerable, yet strong, because he can!

There really isn’t a manual that comes with the birth of your child. But, the Fatherhood Buzz Tips for Fathers helps to lay the foundation… and your time, promises, praise and love are the building blocks for their future. Parenting is challenging to navigate at times, but we are here to serve as a resource here at the Extension office.  Call us if there are questions that we can help you with.            

Relationships are They Divided by Percentage? The 50/50 Myth…

I've been married for 11 years now, and learned a few things along the way.  I also have acquired a few skills and experiences as a therapist. Hopefully, I can share these jewels with you to support your growth in your current relationships.  As I’m teaching relationship education to various groups I have heard this common thought; that all relationships should be 50/50. How is this the basis of a good relationship?

If I’m in a relationship and they are giving a 50 percent effort in that relationship, then we are going to have complications.  We are going to have difficulties because there is a “calculated giving” to our relationship that’s a half effort.  When has giving a half-effort for anything been a worthwhile? I cannot think of anytime when half-efforts work to enhance any relationship I have had or currently am having.

Taking my experiences into account, I believe that in healthy and evolving relationships all parties have to give 100 percent.  To some that may sound very difficult, so I will clarify my meaning.  In a healthy and evolving relationship if both parties are giving 100 percent, they recognize one another’s skills, & abilities, and appreciate the person they are in that relationship with. To say this in a different way, I have to have expectations that are in line with reality.  It would be a fruitless endeavor to expect my wife to give a 50 percent effort in raising our children.  To some, giving 50/ 50 actually means, “Meet me in the middle” but what is the middle?

I pose these questions and share this insight to get you, the readers to think about giving 100 percent in your relationships. I have found that when I go all out consistently, have my expectations in line with reality, set healthy boundaries and communicate in a manner that I can be heard, it’s seen as a demonstration of Self- Interest.  Self-Interest simply means I will give you my best effort and that’s 100 percent, because you deserve the best me and I deserve the best you. The poem “Gestalt Prayer” by Fritz Perls says it best:”I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations. And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I. And if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful, If not, it can't be helped”.

 WISDOM for  MEN: Be You    

Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.

~Elbert Hubbard

I went to a 4^th of July party a few weeks ago and ran into a new friend named Mike Lowery.  He happens to reads the articles I submit to the newspaper.  We talked awhile about the topics that stood out to him; along with various guy topics that come up while standing in front of the beverage truck.  It was an unexpected and interesting conversation. 

Something of interest that stood out to me was that last year at this same party my friend was performing a mean “air guitar” and every once in a while he would shout, “HOW BOUT THOSE EERSSSSS!” I asked why the change in his party styling’s.  He shared with me that change is inevitable.   It’s not a matter of giving up or being too old; it’s about enjoying change and making room for others.   

What he was talking about was gaining wisdom.

It can be challenging to define Wisdom, but most people know it when they see it expressed. The guy that plants his garden at the right time of the year, the guy that reads to his kids or grandkids even when he is tired and even the guy that supports his wife without saying word, because he knows what would be helpful for their relationship and not just his ego. These in the know people, believe wisdom involves a combination of knowledge, experience, and deep understanding that there is no such thing as fair and things can go in a direction that was not planned at any time.  There's an awareness of idea of fairness and its complexities, and it grants a sense of personal balance.

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.

~Tom Wilson

Being a man of mountaineer wisdom is complex yet simple to understand and then act on. I thought I would share my interpretation of Mike Lowey’s insight on being a Mountaineer man of Wisdom.  I compiled a simple list of Wise Mountaineer Men Understandings; also known as WMMUs to help the good men of Monongalia County. Thanks Mike Lowery for your help.

• ·         Knowing your limits doesn’t make your weak, knowing is a strength
• ·         Just because you have another way of doing something doesn’t mean your way is right,  good leaders sometimes follow
• ·         40 is not the new 30, nor is 30 the new 20. Face it, you’re older
• ·         Just because you can do it doesn’t mean you should
• ·         Beside every strong man is a strong partner
• ·         You are defined by your occupation, you define you
• ·         Winning a battle doesn’t win the war.  Especially when the goal should be peace
• ·         Constructive criticism is not the same as giving advice
• ·         The secure guy is the one that doesn’t need to fight, for the insecure guy life is a fight
• ·         Being venerable is a strength and girls like it.
• ·         Setting boundaries with a person is not the same as disrespecting them
• ·         Having power struggles with people means you not understand personal power

I hope this has been helpful.